Monday, March 14, 2011

don't feel bad.

i bought a drum two saturdays ago. it's a large attractive drum and makes three different distinct beats/sounds, whatever. i've been playing it and some days i think i'm talented and others i feel like i'm really bad at my drum but it doesn't matter, i'm just telling you about my experiences, with my drum.
sometimes i lie. well, i lie a great deal maybe. i don't have like 'a thing' for lies though,
sometimes my life is too interesting to tell the truth.
i'm going to backpack India, Thailand, and Vietnam with someone i've never met in person before.
i lie a lot and say we've met.
i have been living in the woods for the last year recovering from my first mental breakdown. not in a scary way, i'm highly functional when i get out of bed and when i have good days. like, i have an interesting life in a complicated way.
i mean if your nature is over achievement and perfectionism, you should be careful picking careers in the vanity department. it's just an effect. not a defect really.
they're subtle, i manage it, but they're there.
sometimes i think i'm more delicate and unstable than ever. most times i'm pretty sure i just 'feel' this way and i'm cognitively distorting truth.
it's rational that we're always wiser than ever because we're in a constant state of gaining experiences.
if you can distort that though, maybe you are the most unstable you've ever been.
you see? i'm not sure.
it's all an experiment. life is my big fucking experiment or something but i can only do it once.
i google really strange things. it can be really important that everyone likes me, because i'm an only child, and because if you like me, i feel okay about the things that make me feel strange.
everyone likes me a lot and i get paranoid about it not all the time and sometimes, other times, i think i have these special gifts from the universe that i need to be as healthy and pure as possible to carry out some fucking mission or purpose that is related to bringing out the best in others. then i feel bad, like we're all capable of this though.
it just fucks with my head sometimes.
i was talking to my boyfriend yesterday and i said "my gifts" and i was referring to 'bringing out the best in others' and i felt weird. i wasn't sure if he thinks that's dumb or attractive. he repeated what i said in a frustrated way and he could of been mocking me. i guess it doesn't matter but i don't know and that bothers me. (he's a realist).
i like to know things that you know, that i do not yet know.
one time i was conversing with my very smart customer. i expressed that i wasn't sure if everyone feels special. he told me that not everyone feels special. some people hate themselves and think that they're shit. i feel special but i feel depressed 90% of the time.
i took a depressed test in a self help book one time, my results said i was the most depressed possible.
i took a bipolar test on line before, my results said like if you got a 25 you were maybe bipolar and i got a 45.
sometimes i'm too human and i need to compare things to feel okay about them.
i'm really unsure about this blog post like i look very non-interesting-weird and just completely insane.
really. fine. i just need to lie a lot because people think that we should all be similar and i feel like they want to disassociate with the socially unacceptable which is understandable.
people have these like social norms that crack me up, secretly of course.

4 comments:

Radish King said...

i'm highly functional when i get out of bed and when i have good days.


This whole post broke my heart. Oh sweet girl you are not alone.

love,
Rebecca

marti pants said...

and yr not alone. yr great btw.

natalie huenneke said...

related to this a lot; thought this post was interesting/brave/beautiful.

marti pants said...

natalie - thank you and i like yr blog :)