Tuesday, January 18, 2011

[positive] substantive periodical

I have felt like i will never have the space ive been seeking and so i no longer seek this space.

i'm in love and overwhelming myself with self doubt:
expect weak moments caused by knowing that you're worrying abt something that hasn't yet happened. worry abt how you worry abt actual non-existing things, even though 90% of the things humans wrry abt don't exist. feel concerned enough and finally less afraid enough to want to ask a couple friend's opinion abt needing a therapist or something but don't.

avoiding self sabotage:
try not to wonder how fucked up you are, why it can be difficult to believe that someone you love, is in love with you too. realize why your ex was bad for you. understand that you're fine, that you are not fucked up, that you are you, and things are things, that happen.

decide you don't need a therapist and that you are okay because it is only when you compare yourself to some abstract and one sided idea of 'normal/not normal' that you feel tides of anxiety. realize that this grid holds nothing for you. it does not change things like paranoia and anyways, you would rather your mind be undefined by society. be empowered now, you love your mind separate from any societal relation.

be empowered more, society means nothing to you.

How can we understand the difference between questioning responsibly from potential self sabotage?
god?

even more careful: not to put out vibrations of open invitation into the universe. things and people come into my realm and i have no idea how they got there or why they would think they belong here:
your best bro is conceptually suffocating you; 6 missed calls, 1 email, 1 gmail chat attempt, flowers on the table when you come home, and he followed you to safeway all before 4pm. he's acting weird and talking abt babies. you know this is not about you. seems like you're feeling as if this isn't happening because you don't like this dramatization -you don't want to tell anyone abt this. wonder how something silly like this is capable of concurring while you live the way you do: severely avoiding bull shit.

my friends and I went Xcountry skiing and then stayed the weekend at bob's cabin(s). bob is the band manager for REM. We partied with he and his friends, laughed, danced, and made a great deal of food. we found zany hats, everyone wore one. the next day we went on a snow hike. bob and his cabins are vry 'seattle'. bob likes interior design and architecture magazines. we took a great deal of pictures, of the space, our food, and each other. Bob showed us pictures of his parents in a magazine with JFK.
what an asshole ;)

i quit biting.

lost all 'drive' for school:
the weekends, holidays, and breaks 'throw you off' to much.

A friend told you, you are acting more aggressive, that you say things with more aggression. half of your mind is somewhere else so you are less cerebral when you say things, saying them differently.

people are hard to take seriously in class rooms.

recently, my most dynamic conversation was a four-way about the social structure of bees.

idk. I've been saying "a great deal" a great deal. 

started 'blessing my food'. 
appreciation of nourishment's, effections to the body.

I've been --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


disclaimer: I am trying to not post things for i'm ridiculously in love and things will come out, though i am holding, that are romantically gross, [more] alienating, and/or [more] weird as fuck, that showcase [more] terrible writing. i feel like my boyfriend and I are in a state that is cosmic or something - it is EPIC and KISMET. i'm linked and i'm dazed, overwhelmed, also cannot think, shut up, or shit. I will feel a sense of 'wtf' or maybe embarrassment from this later. let this be a special rainbow to you.

"pumped up kicks" is available to dl from soundcloud right now.

3 comments:

Radish King said...

it is raw power.
you are i mean.
run with it.

marti pants said...

*SIGH* also, i'm a lover of encouragement.
<3
-god's speed Rebecca.

Chelsea Pants said...

^ "like"

I just hippy-twirl-danced after i read this. felt liberated.

high-five.