I still say "in a good way" i'll stop. we're supposed to feel the way we feel but there are times when it seems like a good idea to hold up a mirror in front of you when you're talking. when i'm here the world seems flesh-like. this might translate into something later if it doesn't now. my task must be to free myself from this prison by widening the circle of compassion. i become an assumption. Nietzsche called the drive to reexamine our assumptions the “intellectual conscience.” we interpret things. add our reasons, all are which are based on fear. you will limit what you think is possible. i will too but my defense mechanisms tell me differently. 

comes out of my mouth and fills back through my ears

I THINK I"M GOING TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS FUR A WHILE BUT I'M NOT YELLING.


TODAY A CUSTOMER ASKED ABT THE BOOK I WAS READING. OKAY, "THE ONE I'M READING NOW IS ABOUT THIS WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND DIED. HER SON WON'T EAT AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE. SHE MEETS HER SON'S TEACHERS, THERE'S THIS SENTENCE WHERE SHE MEETS ONE OF THE TEACHERS AND SHE THINKS, SHE LOOKS BETTER THAN ME. SEEMED RLLY BEAUTIFUL."  (xTx)
and

MY CUSTOMER SAID "SOUNDS DEPRESSING"
I WAS LIKE "NO NO IT'S REAL-LIKE."
SHE SAYS "WELL, I LIKE FICTION."
SHE PULLED OUT HER BOOK AND IT WAS TWILIGHT-LIKE
okay.


"I JUST WANT TO MAKE A MASK OF YOUR FACE" is awkward even if you were being nice.

LIKE TWO DAYS AGO... I WAS READING ABT HUMANS AND OUR HUMAN DEFENSE MECHANISMS. MY THOUGHT WAS WHAT IF MANY PPL ARE NOT DEPRESSED AND THEIR EGO IS MAKING THIS HUGE SCHEME UP. THEY HAVE THIS STANDARD OF LIFE THAT THEY'RE NOT LIVING UP TOO SO THE EGO MAKES THE OUTLOOK ON SHIT ALL NEGATIVE TO PROTECT IT'S SELF. SEEMS HIGHLY POSSIBLE AND FASCINATING AND FUCKED UP.



I JUST BIT ONE OF MY FINGERNAILS TILL IT BLED.
unconsciously. 


I HAVE A PAPER CUT BETWEEN MY THUMB AND POINTER FINGER.
index finger whatever. 


this morning i ate an egg, that i cooked in the microwave.
unfortunately, situations as such are reflective of my recent life standards.


I'M THINKING A GREAT DEAL ABOUT TAXES AND EDUCATION AND TEACHERS AND DISTRIBUTION. 
but i won't post my opinion, emotionally, all over the Internet.
this excludes trolling.


I'M WATCHING E ENTERTAINMENT NEWS RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I THINK I'LL TURN IT OFF.
my cat's name is "heidi pants." this fkn target commercial... this lady is talking to her cat and says "come out heidi pants."
WTF TARGET!
i thought i was unique you ass!


I FOUND A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL IN MY TIP CUP TODAY.
i rlly appreciate it but when i went home i took a shower.


LET PEOPLE POEMS IS PRETTY COOL.  


IVE BEEN RLLY CONSCIOUS OF THIS PMS I HAVE OR WHATEVER: I WAS TAKING OUT COOKIES AT WRK AND SOMEONE TELLS ME "I LIKE THE HORNS." I MADE A CONFUSED FACIAL EXPRESSION, REACTIONARILY THOUGHT HORNS ON MY HEAD AND EVEN PANICKED A LITTLE. HE THEN SAYS "THE HORNS IN THE SONG."
ha, ha


only a week left and that much closer to killing ppl. 

this twn is too small. too small or not secluded enough.
THAT'S ALL.

did i flush the toilet?

don't feel bad.

i bought a drum two saturdays ago. it's a large attractive drum and makes three different distinct beats/sounds, whatever. i've been playing it and some days i think i'm talented and others i feel like i'm really bad at my drum but it doesn't matter, i'm just telling you about my experiences, with my drum.
sometimes i lie. well, i lie a great deal maybe. i don't have like 'a thing' for lies though,
sometimes my life is too interesting to tell the truth.
i'm going to backpack India, Thailand, and Vietnam with someone i've never met in person before.
i lie a lot and say we've met.
i have been living in the woods for the last year recovering from my first mental breakdown. not in a scary way, i'm highly functional when i get out of bed and when i have good days. like, i have an interesting life in a complicated way.
i mean if your nature is over achievement and perfectionism, you should be careful picking careers in the vanity department. it's just an effect. not a defect really.
they're subtle, i manage it, but they're there.
sometimes i think i'm more delicate and unstable than ever. most times i'm pretty sure i just 'feel' this way and i'm cognitively distorting truth.
it's rational that we're always wiser than ever because we're in a constant state of gaining experiences.
if you can distort that though, maybe you are the most unstable you've ever been.
you see? i'm not sure.
it's all an experiment. life is my big fucking experiment or something but i can only do it once.
i google really strange things. it can be really important that everyone likes me, because i'm an only child, and because if you like me, i feel okay about the things that make me feel strange.
everyone likes me a lot and i get paranoid about it not all the time and sometimes, other times, i think i have these special gifts from the universe that i need to be as healthy and pure as possible to carry out some fucking mission or purpose that is related to bringing out the best in others. then i feel bad, like we're all capable of this though.
it just fucks with my head sometimes.
i was talking to my boyfriend yesterday and i said "my gifts" and i was referring to 'bringing out the best in others' and i felt weird. i wasn't sure if he thinks that's dumb or attractive. he repeated what i said in a frustrated way and he could of been mocking me. i guess it doesn't matter but i don't know and that bothers me. (he's a realist).
i like to know things that you know, that i do not yet know.
one time i was conversing with my very smart customer. i expressed that i wasn't sure if everyone feels special. he told me that not everyone feels special. some people hate themselves and think that they're shit. i feel special but i feel depressed 90% of the time.
i took a depressed test in a self help book one time, my results said i was the most depressed possible.
i took a bipolar test on line before, my results said like if you got a 25 you were maybe bipolar and i got a 45.
sometimes i'm too human and i need to compare things to feel okay about them.
i'm really unsure about this blog post like i look very non-interesting-weird and just completely insane.
really. fine. i just need to lie a lot because people think that we should all be similar and i feel like they want to disassociate with the socially unacceptable which is understandable.
people have these like social norms that crack me up, secretly of course.

GLASSER- APPLY (LEMONADE REMIX)
Peaking Lights - Tiger Eyes (Laid-Back)

i want to share a satellite radio subscription with you.

SUM SHIT ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW THAT I GUESS I LIKE.

something pure and good by frank hinton/read by richard chiem
the new division - starfield
god hates bags bag
The Planet Trillaphon as it Stands in Relation to the Bad Thing by DFW
Feeblecore Poetry by Feng Chen
Seattle's first cannabis farmers market attracts several hundred Sunday
love-shyness

it's a choice
everything is 
how you construct meaning from personal experiences
choice